Q: What are the small bumps around a womans nipple for?
A: It’s braille for “Suck here.”
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Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It’s the same as a french kiss but down under.
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Q: Why were hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they cum they’re wet and wild but when they go they take your house and car with them.
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Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?
A: Because they don’t have any balls to scratch.

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he’s an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he’s a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - ‘Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What’s that then?

Suit: - I’ll try to explain by example… Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er… Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It’s in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I’ve got a five-bedroom house…built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you’ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!

Phil: - How’s that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That’s pretty impressive…thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He’s a logical scientist!

Eric: - What’s that then?

Phil: - I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you’re a wanker…

A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: ‘Why do you love doing that ?” She replies: ‘Because I really miss mine…’

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides that because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly..

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto “We love to fly and it shows”.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto “Winning the hearts of the world”.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto “Going beyond expectations”.

The woman looks at him sternly and says “What the f**k do you want?”

“Ahhh”, he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, “Ryanair”.

Alf and Mabel have been married for 60 years and they live in a residential home for the elderly. One day Alf announces, “Mabel, I know we have been together for many, many years and we’ve been through a lot together but I’m afraid I have some bad news, I’m leaving you.”

“Why?” gasps poor old Mabel.

“I’m going out with Vera next door,” he replies.

“Vera! What does she do for you that I don’t?”

“She gives me oral sex,” says Alf.

“But ... but Alfred, so do I,” exclaims Mabel.

“Yes,” says Alf, “but you don’t have Parkinson’s Disease.”

I though it said naughty fish jokes. Anyway I know whales are not fish but

Q How do you get two whales in a mini?
A Across the Severn Bridge like everyone else.

Q How do you circumcise a whale?
A With four skin divers.

Man walks into chemist
Man - Please may I have 187 condoms
Sales Assistant - F**k me!
Man - Alright make it 188

Two lesbian in a lift.
Lesbian - Stop playing with the button I want to go down.

Did you hear about the queer who got the sack from the sperm bank? He was caught drinking on the job.

I haven’t been to LMP for a while but hope to change that over the next few weeks. maybe even a Saturday. Having a problem getting a full list of the girls on the party days on the new web page.

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this; I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “oh, I’m sorry.” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

“I told her, “first class isn’t going to Toronto “.

This is more a TV anecdote but it always makes me chuckle - years ago before the uber-chefs had their own TV series televison cookery revolved around Fanny and Johnny Craddock who would take it in turns to serve up the dishes - one day Johnny was famously making pastries and turned to the camera with the immortal words ” if you follow these instructions all your pastries will turn out like Fanny’s ” - cue nationwide schoolboy sniggering….

The PM is being shown around a new hospital and comes across a patient being tossed off by a Nurse - he raises his eyebrows and asks what the patients condition?
“He makes too much sperm and has to relieved until we can get the operation booked”

They move onto the next ward and here another patient is getting a blow-job - again the PM asks what the problem is and the consultant answers…

“The same as the other patient but this one is with BUPA”......

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The barman screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table ... whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out and eats it. Then does the same with some peanuts.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”

“Now what?” asks the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and ate it ... then he did the same with some peanuts!” says the barman.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He still eats everything in sight but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her
students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went
to my granddad’s farm, and we saw his pet sheep.

It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted
you to use the word “fascinate, not fascinating”.

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went
to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally,
but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate.”

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher
hesitated because she’d been burned by

Little Johnny before.

She finally decided that there was no way he
could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Gina has a sweater with
ten buttons, but her tits are so big that she can only

“fasten eight.”

Just found this on the web; it made me smile.

To be sung along to a well known classic:

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he’s dead.
Naan, dinner’s just begun
But now I’m gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh Didn’t mean to make you cry
If I’m not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras .
Too late, my dinner’s gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I’ve got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This dopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we’d never come here at all.

[guitar solo]

I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I’ve eaten balti, somebody help me
He’s eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
‘Case the loo is quarantined…
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It’s coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it’s coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I’m on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee…poor MEEEEEE!

[guitar solo]

So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you’ll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.

[guitar solo]

[slow bit]
Korma or dopiaza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee….
(Any way the wind blows….Prrrrrrrrppp)

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked a question, “When you die and go to Heaven…which part of your body goes first?”

Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.” “Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”

“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your feet.” The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?

“Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night.
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God, I’m coming!”
“If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”

The Lone Ranger has been captured by the Apache and before he is to be killed he is granted one last request so he calls over Tonto his faithful companion and whispers something in his ear - half an hour later Tonto returns with a beatiful blonde.

The Lone Ranger sighs and turns to Tonto and says “not it matters now but I actually said Posse….”

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A limping, shaking, scruffy, unkempt man who smelt of beer sat down slowly on a tube train next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, a coathanger was still in his coat shoulders, his face was fixed in an inane grin and plastered with lipstick, and a half empty bottle of red wine was sticking out of his pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and said “tell me Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest glared at him and replied: “My son, it is caused by loose living, going to LMP, spending too much time with women like Antonia and Sarah, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man and lack of a bath”.

The man looked at the priest and muttered in response: “Well, I’ll be damned” and returned to reading his newspaper.

The priest thought for a few minutes about what he had said and felt he had maybe been a bit harsh. So he nudged the man and apologized, “I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to be so critical. How long have you had arthritis?”

The man answered ” I don’t have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does”.

Moral: make sure you understand the question before giving the answer

lol - like it