Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

At an art exhibition there was a painting of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

A man and a woman were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the couple’s confusion.

“Can I help you with this painting?” he asked.
“Well, yes” said the gentleman. “We were curious about the picture of black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?”
“Oh,” said the artist. “I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they’re coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.”

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”

“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year- old.

“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble crapping?” 

“No, I crap every morning at 6:30.”

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7:00.” 

Man took wife to bed and pleasured her with a large cucumber.
She had a multiple orgasm,they both fell asleep exhausted.
Hours later she woke him up screaming “YES! YES! Oh god i’m cumming” in panic he asked “wots the matter?”
She says ” sorry love its the cucumber repeating on me!”

Priorities

————————————————————————————————————————
A Jewish man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.

Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1,000 an inch.”

The man perks up. “So,” the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife. IF you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

“Yes I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you make a decision?”

“Yes” says the man.

“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting granite countertops.”

A short love story….

————————————————————————————————————————
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

About 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.

“‘Good”, she replied “Get your own damn blanket.”

After a moment of silence….

he farted.

The End

A man watching a football game on TV flicked channels at half time and found a porn film, with a man “woopsing” a woman long and hard.

He says to his wife…......” I dont know whether to watch this or the game”

The Wife says…..... ” for f***s sake watch this you already know how to play football” !!

A cucumber,a Pickle & a Penis were talking about Life!

The Cucumber said: “When I get Big & Hard they chop me up & toss me in a Salad”!

The Pickle say’s: You got it easy mate! When I get Big & hard, they chop me up & drown me in vinegar!

The Penis Say: Lads thats nothing compared to what I go through when I get Big & Hard!
They put a plastic bag over my head, shove me into a small, warm - damp cave & bang my head against a wall until, I throw up and Faint!

I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week.

What I want to know is…............. who’s sending the other one?

Official Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security (even though it might be false) while you’re actually being screwed.

Again…..............so true!

Kylie, Elton & Robbie walking along the street.
Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings.
Robbie pulls her knickers down and shags her.
Turns to Elton and says “Your turn!”
Elton starts crying.
“Whats wrong?” says Robbie, Elton sobs
“My head wont fit in the railings!”

Chupa,Chupa!

Woman goes to a tattoo parlour and asks for a tattoo of ‘Santa & Merry Xmas’ on her right thigh and ‘Happy New Year’ on her left thigh.
On her way out, the tattoo-artist asked her “Why do you want such unusual tattoos?” She replied “I’m sick & tired of my husband moanin on and on that there’s nothing good to eat between Christmas and New Year!”

Apologies first to Paddyboy,Irishguy,Moss Etc. 

Paddy had the following password at work:- MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin.

His boss asked him “Why do you have such a long password?”

“Bejazus! are yez feckin’ stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.”

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride

Approached her new husband and asked

For $20..00 for their first lovemaking

Encounter. In his highly aroused state,

Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made

Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a

Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that

She needed. 

Arriving home around noon one day, she was

Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that

His employer was going through a process of corporate

Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments. 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when
To keep their mouths shut!