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Charles & Camilla’s - Wedding Night
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.
That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said ‘Please remove my shoes, darling. One’s feet are killing one.’
Ever obedient, Charlie attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge. ‘Harder’ yelled Camilla. ‘Harder’ Charles yelled back, I’m trying darling! But it’s just so bloody tight!’
‘Come on give it all you’ve got ’ she cried.
Finally, when the shoe was released Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed ‘There! Oh God, that feels so good.’
In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said ‘See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!’
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out ‘Oh god, darling this ones even tighter’
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen ‘That’s my boy, once a Navy man, always a navy man!’
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A man (we’ll call him Bob) walks into a bar and sits next to another man (we’ll call him Ed).
Bob notices that next to Ed is a large brown paper bag and an antique oil lamp. Bob orders a drink, then turns to Ed and says, “So, What’s in the bag?”
Without a word, Ed reaches into the bag and takes out a tiny grand piano and places it on the bar. He reaches into the bag again and takes out out a tiny man, about a foot tall, wearing a tuxedo. The tiny man sits down before the piano and plays a beautiful rendition of Moonlight Sonata.
Almost speechless, Bob blurts “Amazing!! Where’d he come from?” Ed points to the oil lamp and says “There’s a genie in there, and if you rub the lamp he will come out and grant you one wish.”
Bob grabs the lamp, rubs it, and sure enough a genie emerges and says “What is your wish?”
Bob says “I wish for a million bucks!” The genie vanishes back into the lamp and instantly the barroom is filled with ducks, quacking, waddling, obnoxious ducks.
Spitting feathers out of his mouth, Bob turns to Ed and says “I wished for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!”
Ed replies, “I understand. Unfortunately the genie is a bit hard of hearing. After all, did you really think my wish was for a 12-inch pianist?”
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. ‘So, how is everything going?’ inquired God.
‘It is all so beautiful, God,’ she replied. ‘The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain.’
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ‘symmetrically balanced’.
‘That’s a fair point,’ replied God, ‘But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.’
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
’ Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?’
‘Just fantastic,’ she replied, ‘But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.’
God thought for a moment and said, ‘You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let’s see….where did I put that useless Tit?’
Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?
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One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast’. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the Hell is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.
‘April’, he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?’
She replied, ‘Sugar thats not talcum powder; it’s Miracle Grow’
There was a man in a house and someone knocked on his door.
It was a women and she said “Let me in”. The man said “Who are you?”. The woman said “My mother-in-law and your mother-in-law are mother and daughter… so let me in”.
The man said “Sorry… how are we related?”
What is the relationship between the man and the woman….
There was a man in a house and someone knocked on his door.
It was a women and she said “Let me in”. The man said “Who are you?”. The woman said “My mother-in-law and your mother-in-law are mother and daughter… so let me in”.
The man said “Sorry… how are we related?”
What is the relationship between the man and the woman….
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’
Gordon Brown was looking for a lady of the night. He found one such girl in a local pub. He said, “I’m Prime Minister of England, how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?” She replied, “Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we’re living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol and screw me the way you have the pensioners, then it won’t cost you a fucking penny!”.
There was a man in a house and someone knocked on his door.
It was a women and she said “Let me in”. The man said “Who are you?”. The woman said “My mother-in-law and your mother-in-law are mother and daughter… so let me in”.
The man said “Sorry… how are we related?”
What is the relationship between the man and the woman….
??? I can never work them out! Answer please Raj?
Yes, the relationship is father-in-law and daughter-in-law….
Ok! got it now, it was the in-law bit that got me!.........I’m a simple soul you know
The best PMT Question.
Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman’s Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!!
And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the damn bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME damn SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO one EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET ROLL !!
means a smile and 
