TELEPHONE: 07805 599001 /07805 599036

Nike are making trainers for lesbians, they’re calling them nikes for dykes you get 50% more tongue and you can get them off with one finger!

The Lone Ranger & Tonto are riding across the west together, when suddenly Tonto dismounts from his faithful steed, and presses his ear to the ground.

He holds up his hand and syas “Buffalo come”

The Lone Ranger says “That’s incredible old buddy can you feel the vibrations through the earth?”

“No, ear stuck to ground” 

A big black beautiful prostitute, who’s a Manchester United fan, gets tattoos of Rooney and Giggs on the innersides of her thighs. She says to her punter “If you can guess who the tattoos are of, you can get a free shag today. ” He looks left and right, scratches his head and says “I dunno who those ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with bigs lips and curly hair is Rio Ferdinand!”

The Seven Dwarves are in Rome visiting the Vatican. They all go up to the Pope’s door and Dopey steps forward and rings the doorbell.

The Pope answers the door and asks, “Dopey, my son, what can I do for you?”

Dopey asks, “Excuse me your excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”

The Pope smiles and answers, “No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.” In the background, the Pope can see a few of the other dwarves giggling.

Dopey then asks, “Your holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?”

The Pope looks at Dopey and answers “No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.” At this answer, half of the other dwarves start laughing openly.

Dopey continues, “Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”

The Pope, getting tired of these questions, answers, “Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe.” This time, all of the dwarves are rolling on the ground laughing.

Dopey says, “Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in ALL the world?”

The Pope, frustrated by now, says, “Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns ANYWHERE in the world!”

At this answer the other dwarves start laughing, jumping up and down, and chanting, “Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!”

Nasty but funny… I am a Becks and United fan… AIG forgive me…

After David Beckham’s injury his wife Posh Spice has decided to resume her singing career. Her first single will be a realease of the Elvis classic Love me TENDON!

David Beckham to release a world cup anthem with Posh - Dont go breaking my heel.

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his Audience. He Said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”

Laughter and Applause!!!
A week later, a top manager trained by the Motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke At home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to His wife who was preparing dinner, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my Wife!”

The wife went; “ahhhh!” with shock and rage.

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second Half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out “...and I can’t remember who she was!”

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

Moral of the story…
Don’t Copy if you can’t PASTE

We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? There is a medical distinction.

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ‘Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ‘You’re next,
fatty.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

In a similar vein that reminds me of the difference between knowledge and wisdom:-

Knowledge is knowing that Tomatoes are fruits not vegetables…..

Wisdom is knowing not to put them in a trifle.

While making love, husband says to wife:
- Darling, let’s do 68!
- 68??? What’s that?
- You do it to me and I’ll owe you one.

A 6ft 4in guy having a piss in the public toilets and looks to the left of him and see`s a Midget pissing out of a HUGE COCK and says ” That’s the biggest cock I’ve ever seen “

The Midget says, that’s because I`m a Leprechaun and we all have huge big cocks,

The tall man says, God I wish I had one that BIG !

well said the Midget, I`m a Magical Leprechaun and i`ll grant you that wish of having a huge cock like mine, if you`ll let me bum ya first !

The tall man thought about it and reluctantly agreed, so the Leprechaun slides his huge cock straight into the tall guy and starts pumping away madly.

Just as the Midget had finished he looked down at the tall man and said ” That was a lovely tight arse, How old are you ” 36 said the tall man ” Why do you ask ? “

Well I was just thinking that was funny ” A grown man like you still believing in Magical Leprechauns ! ”

Ode to the penis!

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring.

But now I’ve got a fulltime job to find the fucking thing!

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave.

As old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes.

martin56 - 21 March 2010 08:30 AM

Ode to the penis!

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring.

But now I’ve got a fulltime job to find the fucking thing!

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave.

As old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes.

I thought, after the poem post, that it would appeal to your humour LQ!

36inch DD breasts covered in warm belgium chocolate…
1 inch erect nipples pierced with golden nipple rings topped with whipped cream…
Clean shaven minge framed by an open crotched leather thong..
Slightly salty clit smothered in Blackberry jam….
This is not ordinary porn….

This is M&S Porn..!

Walkers Crisps have decided to add one more flavour to their new range…. ‘Semen’.

They’re going to be advertised as ‘diet crisps’ as 98% of women will spit them back out!