Nominees for Idiot of the Year

(1) Idiot Number One - I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

(2) Idiot Number Two - Early that year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

(3) Idiot Number Three - A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, ‘Put all your muny in tis bag.’ While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, ‘OK’ and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

(4) Idiot Number Four - A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, ‘Because I don’t believe you are over 21.’ The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

(5) Idiot Number Five - A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, ‘Nobody move!’ When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

(6) Idiot Number Six - Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

(7) Idiot Number Seven - I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega, Wisconsin). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

STAY ALERT! They walk amongst us ... and they can REPRODUCE! lol

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides that because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly..

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto “We love to fly and it shows”.
The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto “Winning the hearts of the world”.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto “Going beyond expectations”.

The woman looks at him sternly and says “What the f**k do you want?”

“Ahhh”, he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, “Ryanair”.

Sat down in a public toilet & a voice came from the next cubicle “hello mate, how u doin?”
I thought it a bit strange, but didn’t wana be rude, so i said “not too bad thanks”
After a short pause i heard the voice again. “so, what are you up to?”
I answered, somewhat reluctantly “just having a quick Shit…How about yourself?”
Then i heard him say “sorry mate, I’ll have to call you back. I’ve got some twat in the next cubicle answering everything i say!”.

————

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. Human hair can hold 3 kg. The Length of the penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. A Femur is hard as concrete. A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s. Women blink twice as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to hold our balance when we stand. A Woman has read this entire text. A Man is still looking at his thumb!

Raj - 12 May 2010 02:19 AM

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. Human hair can hold 3 kg. The Length of the penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. A Femur is hard as concrete. A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s. Women blink twice as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to hold our balance when we stand. A Woman has read this entire text. A Man is still looking at his thumb!

And i did !!!!!!

Very funny!

Is this boner or lazy-on? 

A lesson in life!

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched
throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.  As he stood there,
brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger
stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in
the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old
man, have you ever danced?”

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance…
never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,  “Well, you old
fool, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet.

The old prospector—not wanting to get a toe blown off—started hopping
around like a flea on a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun,
and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large
gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he
quietly said, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir….. but… I’ve always wanted to.”

There are a few lessons for us all here:

* Never be arrogant.
* Don’t waste ammunition.
* Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
* Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
* Don’t mess with old men, they didn’t get old by being stupid.

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it
Was found that Paddy O’Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied
‘‘Bejazus! are yez feckin’ stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital’‘

Don’t ever think you can outwit the Irish!

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this; I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “oh, I’m sorry.” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

“I told her, “first class isn’t going to Toronto “.

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years Old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

‘Well, it’s quite simple, really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.’

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.’ ‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’

‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation..

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the Table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her, every which way, right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,
total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket…

Suddenly the father shouted…. ‘I’ll do the F***ing dishes!!!

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.

Without nipples, breasts would be point - less.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good fun until you realize you
are only screwing yourself.

Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of society; but always remember, it was men who laid them!!!

Men play the game. Women know the score..

Wives are funny creatures .... they don’t have sex with their husbands
for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.!?!?

Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the one sperm that won a battle against a million others.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is when it is given in Braille.

Here is the definition of divorce ... She gets the ring, He gets the
finger!!!

Confucius says .. man who puts hand in bush is not always a
gardener!!!

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree’.
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

A guy goes into the chemist to buy some condoms.
“What size?” asks the clerk.
“I don’t know”, he replies.
The clerk says “Go and see Sophie in aisle 4
He goes over to see Sophie, who puts her hand down his pants to feel him. She yells out, “Medium!”
The guy is mortified. He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms and gets sent to Sophie. Seeing his bulge she can’t wait to feel it, then yells out “Large!”. The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.
A school boy came in also wanting to buy condoms.
“What size?”.
Embarrassed, the kid says, “I’ve never done this before I don’t know what size”.
He gets sent to Sophie, she feels him up then pulls out her hand with a smile.
She yells out, “Kleenex needed in isle 4”

Two female friends went out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk while walking home, they suddenly realized they really needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they piss behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing expensive underwear and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home wearing even less than usual.
The next day the first woman’s husband telephoned the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop! My wife came home last night without her panties!” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her arse that read, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you’!

I’ve just applied for a job as a blacksmith and had the interview today. One of the questions was.

“Have you ever shooed a horse”

I Said “No, but I’ve told a donkey to f*ck off”

A nun goes into confessional and says to the priest “I’m pregnant”!! He asks how this could happen and she says “I think it must be the second coming”!!!

The priest, somewhat shocked said “What makes you think it was the second coming?”....

She replied “Coz i swallowed the first”

Sorry, a political joke, but i hope Moss will forgive me because i thought it was hilarious!

The monologue that follows, could be considered similar to some of the more breathless reports we get on this forum, but I think you have to imagine Clegg addressing his MPs shortly before agreeing to something that might just work!

“We’re dicks! We’re reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Tories are pussies. And Cameron is an asshole. Pussies don’t like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn’t appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves… because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don’t know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don’t let us fuck this asshole, we’re going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!”

And with that, Winky (I’m being polite) was off to the Palace to be told “STFU and GTFO”.

It was a tough call on what to put down for the double century post….this, or fading memories of a brilliant party last friday…..the fading memories lost unfortunately :(
Roll on next week, fighting fit!