pyramidguy - 22 May 2010 05:30 AM

It was a tough call on what to put down for the double century post….this, or fading memories of a brilliant party last friday…..the fading memories lost unfortunately :(
Roll on next week, fighting fit!

Congrats on the double century mate! & has it really been a week since you’ve partied? Look out girls, full sack coming through! 

Ed and Ted are standing side by side at urinals when Ed glances down and sees that Ted’s dick is twisted like a corkscrew.
Ed says, “I’ve never seen one like that before.”
Ted says, “Like what?”
Ed says, “All twisted, like a pig’s tail.”
Ted says, “What’s yours like?”
Ed says, “Straight, like normal.”
Ted says, “I thought mine was normal ‘til I saw yours.”
Ed finishes and starts shaking his prick.
Ted says, “What’d you do that for?”
Ed says, “I was shaking out the last few drops.”
Ted says, “Wow… and to think that all these years I’ve been wringing mine out.”

A man was in the pub when he noticed a fit girl looking at his beer belly she asks is it carlsberg or tetleys?‘he replied’ i dont know love but theres a tap underneath if you want to taste it!’

At a gynecologists convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on “The Variation of the Clitoris”.

“One of the most unusual cases I ever came across,” he told his audience, “was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon.”

Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.

Goldfinger stared him down and replied: “I wasn’t referring to size but to taste.”

When you take a white girl’s virginity - you Pop-Her-Cherry, right?
By that logic, when you take an Indian girl’s virginity… you ‘Pop-Her-Dom’ !!

My catholic priest uncle was a lousy ventriloquist. He would stick his hand up my arse… then tell me not to say anything!

Teacher asks her class to have a think for a few minutes, then to each give her the name of a groups of animals…
Jimmy says “Herd Of Cows.”
Maggie says “Flock Of Sheep.”
Sandra says “School Of Whales.”
Wee Frankie scratches his head - then puts up his hand and
says “What About A Dose Of Crabs Miss?”

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
 
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’
 
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.
 
OK, ’ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
 
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’ 
To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?

These are just silly…

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

leclerq - 11 June 2010 10:02 PM

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

I love geeky IT jokes!

Started a new job with the samaritans last week. Tried 2 phone in sick this morning and the bastards talked me out of it

—-

I saw a sign in the hospital today , it read ‘Family planning - please use rear entrance.’ I thought ‘what bloody good advice.’

—-

Husband hears a loud scream from bedroom. He runs to find a man leaping out window. Wife Yells:He screwed me twice!
He:Twice?why did u not call me when he screwed first time?
She: Cause I thought it was you until he started the 2nd time!!

—-

Teacher to class: “What does your dad do at weekends?” Little boy “He’s a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes, if the money’s right, he lets punters bang his arse and cum in his gob. Teacher takes him outside: “Is that true?”. “No miss, it’s bollocks. He’s the goalkeeper for England but I’m too embarrassed to say.”

—-

3 guys & a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
1st guy says ” I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know… Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.”
2nd guy says “I’m a D.I.N.K, you know… Double Income, No Kids.”
3rd guy says, ” I’m a R.U.B, you know… Rich, Urban, Biker.”
They turn to the woman & ask her, ” What r u? ” She replies: ” I’m a WIFE, you know…
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.

wash, iron, woops, etc quite clearly spells wiwe

hmmm

Hey teacher, how ‘bout a lift?

————————————————————————————————————————
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, ‘You must be in the 5th grade.’

‘No, ma’am’, he replied. ‘I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.’

How Men and Women Shower…. funny!

————————————————————————————————————————
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror—
make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.
Rinse off.

Turn off shower
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

——————————————————————————————

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the “woo-whoo” sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the
soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
and make the “woo-whoo” sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

The Paradoxical Commandments

————————————————————————————————————————
by Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

Oxo are introducing a new white oxo cube with a red cross on it to support the England team.

It’s going to be called the Laughing Stock!

hey, that last one was a bit close to home

I know….funny though

I was sent it in a text earlier!!