A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, “That’s once.”

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, “That’s twice.”

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn’t say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling him, “That was an awful thing to do.”

The farmer said, “That’s once.”

lol, that was harsh

2 Guys are in the the pub - one is feeling a bit down and his mate says “what you need is a dick in cider” - his mate looks confused so the first friend says whenever my sister is fed up she always tells she feels better with a dick in cider…..

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

“As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, ‘What are you thinking?’ She doesn’t care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it’s usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.  They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald,  paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ 

Here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. 

Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”

Man in bar orders kingfisher beer.
Lady next to him-Wat a coincidence, Even i hav orderd kingfisher.

Man-I’m celebrating. Lady-Me too.

Man-Wat a coincidence. Y r u celebrating?

Lady-my husband & I have tried 4yrs for a baby. Today I’m pregnant.

Man-Wat a coincidence. I am a farmer, frm 4yrs my hens wer infertile, today all laying eggs.

Lady-Wow How did that happen?

Man- I used a different cock.!

Lady SMILED, & said-

WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!

————-

A newly wed couple are out at a bar having a drink on their honeymoon. The wife offers to make her husband a drink and asks the bartender to give a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. She then asks her husband to first put some salt in his mouth, then immediately take the shot of Bailand salt hits him. In 2 seconds the Baileys curdles & in 3 seconds, his mouth is filled wth a salty mucous-like sour substance.
Ths triggers a gag reflex in him, but trying to be manly he swallows the now foul tasting drink & smiles and says to his wife: “Great Stuff! What the fuck do you call that drink you made me have?”

She smiles wickedly and says: “Blow Job Revenge!”

————-

An ugly woman went 2 priest 4 help. Priest:  only after death, all men will b urs.
She went on bridge & jumped.
She fell on a truck of bananas.
She lost senses & was unable to see. She touched her surroundings feeling all the bananas;
She smiled and said:
GENTLEMEN, One at a time plz! !

————-

George Michael arrived in prison today with a bar of chocolate up his arse - a prison spokesman said it was just a careless whispa !!

————-

George Michael has released a new song for all the mum’s who’s son’s are in prison. Its called ” I won’t let your son go down on me “!!!

Wondered how long it would be for the George Micheal gags

George Michael’s cell mate is rather a large skinhead, he’s written a new song in his honour called “Hairless Fister”

++++++++++

What’s slimy and is sliding down the wall of George Michael’s cell?

His latest release.

and of course the old school Wham classic - suck me off before you go go….

Man goes to the docs & says “i’ve been shagging the wife for 10 years now & she is getting a bit loose, can you suggest anything to tighten her up a bit”. Doc says, “this is a bit of a taboo subject, but have you tried going up the other hole”, the man replies “what, & risk getting her pregnant”.

——

A woman said “I wish I could have bigger breasts” her husband said “Try pushing them into the settee and staying like that all day”. She said “Wil that help?”. He said “Well it’s worked on your arse!”

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?


Place 100 bricks in a particular order in a closed room with an open
window.

Send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 2 hours and analyze the
situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.


If they are recounting them.
Put them in auditing.


If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.


If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.


If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.


If they are sleeping.
Put them in reception


If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.


If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.


If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick
has
been
moved.
Put them in sales.


If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.


If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.


And then last but not least.


If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management.

Couple having sex outside at night . He says ” i wish i had a torch ” she says “so do i , you’ve been licking that slug on the grass for the last ten minutes “

—

3 sisters got married 2gther n went on honeymoon. Mom tells them 2 sms her how their honeymoon was going!

1st sisters’ sms: ‘NESCAFE’

Mum checks out Nescafe ad. It read

‘GOOD TO THE LAST DROP’ Mum smiles

2nd sister’s sms ‘BENSON & HEDGES’

Mum checks out the ad. It read ‘KING SIZE, EXTRA LONG’

Mum smiles again

3rd sister’s sms ‘BRITISH AIRWAYS’

Mum checks out British Airways ad which reads-

‘3 TIMES DAILY,

7 DAYS A WEEK,

BOTH WAYS’

Mum FAINTS.!

—

David Dickinson has got a new TV show in which he takes celebrities such as Wayne Rooney & Peter Crouch, around the streets at night looking for the cheapest hookers in town - BARGAIN CUNT, starts Friday at 7 on BBC1

—

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven’t seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing a burgandy coloured Versace dress. She orders a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterwards, in grey Chanel. After the required ritualised ‘air’ kisses ... “Mmmwa! Mmmwa!” she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis. Then Sam walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, scruffy blue jeans and Wellington boots that have also seen better days. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.

Timothy is a partner in one of London ‘s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft house in North London, where Susanna, the daughter, attends a drama & ballet academy. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo .

Clare graduated from King’s College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in Dulwich and have a second home in Florida .

Sam explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand four parrots, side by side, on his willy.

Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband isn’t Tim, he’s Tom and he’s a clerk for Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill and keep a caravan in France .

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend’s honesty, explains that she and Clive are nurses in King’s College. They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando .

Samantha says, “Oh right, if it’s confession time ... the fourth parrot has to stand on one leg.”

A flight stewardess was given the opportunity to brief the passengers during a flight. So she said, ladies and gentlemen we are flying at the altitude of 10,000 meters and cursing and the speed of 800 km/h. We will be arriving in about an hour from now. The weather in is reported to be cloudy with the temperature of 12 degrees Celsius.
We are now passing over the island in the Philippines where there was volcanoes so you can imagine between my legs there is one.

i think that one got lost in translation

bigguy - 01 October 2010 12:04 AM

i think that one got lost in translation

I’m glad you said that; I thought it was just me.