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Gadzooks, I’d like to inspire that singer with my big leek - the one without the hat that is!

trysomemore - 23 July 2010 03:21 PM

Just saw this and made me chuckle - with apologies to any Welsh viewers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNfbX6uvA6s&feature=player_embedded

That is quite excellent! 

Just had lunch and have found a perfect sponsorship partner for LMP.

Pieminister pies contain the wonderful instruction on their take out boxes ‘open flaps and munch’. I could hardly keep a straight face as I ate mine

Oh and before anyone else mentions it I didn’t eat all the pies even if it looks like it at times!!!

trysomemore - 28 July 2010 11:42 AM

Oh and before anyone else mentions it I didn’t eat all the pies even if it looks like it at times!!!

i probably did

One for you know who:

A guy goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with my sex life. “The doctor asks, “can you describe the problem?” “Well… I wake up in the morning and shag my wife, then I have a shower and a shave and I shag her again. I have my breakfast and shag her again on the table, and then I get a blow job from her before I leave for work”.

“Okay…” the doctor replies.” I haven’t finished yet. I get to work and shag my secretary in my coffee break. At lunch-time I go to see my mistress and shag her a couple of times. I get back to work and shag my secretary again in the afternoon tea-break.” “Right…”

“Excuse me, I still haven’t finished. After work, I see my mistress again on the way home and shag her. Then I get home and shag the wife. I have my dinner and shag her again, and then we go to bed and shag a couple of times before going to sleep.” “Well, I don’t see what the problem is…” said the doctor, getting fed up now. The guy replies, “It hurts when I wank.”

A man is touring the Old Wild Wesr, and gets chatting to a local Native American. “What is your wifes name?” he asks.

“Five Horses” comes the reply.

“Thats an unusual name”

“Not really, f*cking, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag”

Just think about it :
Faithful husbands will go straight to heaven!!! Unfaithful will enjoy the Heaven on earth.!!!!

—-

A three year old boy is playing in the bath. He points to his testicles and says “Mummy mummy, are these my brains?” to which his mother replies “Not yet….

—-

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra.

Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home,

and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his

excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the

table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results

and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the

freezer to cool off.

Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes

home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel.

He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only

to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and

totally exhausted.

“What happened?” the man asks. “You were in there for hours

and yet you’re not only alive but you’re sweating like crazy?”

The cockatiel pants, “Bloody Hell, have you ever tried to pry apart

the legs a frozen chicken?

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, “How about a blowjob?”?

“What! Are you crazy!”?

“Don’t worry, it will be quick,” he ensures his girlfriend.?

“No! Someone might see us…”?

“It’s just a small blowjob,” he insists, “and I know you like it.”?

“No! I said no!”?

“Baby… don’t be like that.”?

Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, “Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come downstairs and blow the guy himself… but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.”

Two skinheads walking along chatting, one says to the other.

“‘ere wot would you do if a bird crapped on your head?”

“I doubt if I would go out with her again”

——-

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”

“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit”.

Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there’s you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..”

——

A man is lying on his death bed, and he says to his wife.
“Becky darling I must confess something to you before I die”
“Hush darling, you don’t have to say anything”
“But I do, I shagged your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother, I just had to tell you before I die”
“I know you did that’s why I poisoned you, you bastard!

—-

I had a wank over my ex-girlfriend tonight ...I know it’s wrong but I still have a key and she’s a heavy sleeper

—-

An elderly man suffering from insomnia and impotence returned from his GP’s with a prescription for sleeping pills and Viagra. Unfortunately, he confused the medication and, looking forward to a good night’s sleep he took a dose of Viagra by mistake. He ended up having fourty wanks!

—-

bloke pulls girl at a dance

He says, do you want to come back to mine?

She says, OK, but I am on my menstrual cycle

he says, that is OK, I will follow on my Honda

—-

A Priest kept chickens at his village.
One evening the cock went missing.
At Church prayer gathering the priest asked,
“Who has a cock?”
All the men got up.
“No! I meant who has seen a cock?
“All the women got up.
“No, No! Who has seen a cock that isn’t theirs?
“Half the women got up.
“Oh! For goodness sake!
Who has seen my cock?”
All the nuns got up!

Woman goes to the pyschiatrist.As soon as she gets in the room he says:

‘Take all your clothes off and lie on the couch’ which she does.

He goes over to her, jumps on board and shags her.

He says ‘Thats my problem. Whats yours?

—-

couple having a cuddle. Bloke puts his hand down the front of her knickers.

She says, ‘do you want your palm read?’

He says, ‘why, are you a fortune teller?’

She says, ‘no, I am on my period!

——

Older WG in a taxi finds she can’t pay the fare so she lifts her skirt and says to the driver “Can I pay with this?”

He says “Haven’t you got anything smaller?

——

Patient:- Doctor, Doctor! My vagina keeps whistling tunes! (Patient opens legs and her vagina starts whistling the National Anthem).

Doctor:- Hmmm. I’ve never had a case like this before. I can’t help you but I know a specialist in Australia who might. (Phones specialist and introduces himself).

Specialist:- *Yawn*. What’s the problem?

Doctor:- Listen to this and tell me what you think. (Doctor holds phone near patient’s vagina. Patient opens legs and her vagina starts whistling La Marseillaise). Well?

Specialist:- *Yawn*. How the woops should I know? Sounds like some woops whistling to me

Marriage Humor:

Wife:      ‘What are you doing?’ 
Husband:    Nothing.
Wife:      ‘Nothing…?  You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband:    ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’ 

———————————————-

Wife :    ‘Do you want dinner?’ 
Husband:    ‘Sure! What are my choices?’ 
Wife:      ‘Yes or no.’
_____________

Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?’
Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’ 
Wife:  ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’
Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’ 

————————————————————————————

Stress Reliever Girl:    ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’ 
Boy:    ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’ 
Girl:    ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

———————————————————————————

Son:    ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’ 
Mom:  ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’ 
Son:    ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’ 
________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’ 
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’ 

————————————————————————————— 
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’ !!!!!!!!!!!

—————————————————————————————————

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’ 
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘
I like your sense of humour!’

After 10 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening,
when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t
in quite sometime.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down
over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently
over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portio n of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side,
then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
 
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving voice, ‘That was wonderful. Why did you stop?’

He said , ‘I found the remote’

—-

Read and laugh it off.
Liar:
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, “Dad, why do u keep telling people u’re dying of AIDS?”
Answer: “So when I’m dead no one will dare touch ur mom!”

Three Feelings:
What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.

Chinese Adam & Eve:
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise
because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the SNAKE
 
  Laugh small:
 
        Three pastors were discussing, one said his problem is
stealing, he can not stop stealing from the church’s money and if his church members find out, it would be disastrous. The second pastor said his own problem is adultery, he had slept with almost every woman in the church both married and unmarried. His church members must not find out. The third pastor said his problem is that he can not do without gossiping, and everybody must know what he just found out. He then excused himself and immediately the other two pastors fainted.
 
2.    To surprise her husband an executive’s wife decided to stop by his office. On entering the office, she saw the secretary on her husband’s laps. In order to defend himself the husband said “budget cut or no budget cut management must do something. I and my secretary cannot be sharing this office with just a single seat
 
3.      Dad asked his son: whenever I beat you how do you stop your anger?
      Son replies: I start cleaning the toilet.
      Dad asked: How does that help you?
      Son: I clean it with your tooth brush.
 
4.      Three guys were gisting at a beer parlour. The first guy said when my wife was pregnant she was reading a book; a tale of two cities and she gave birth to twins. The second said his wife was reading the three musketeers and she gave birth to triplets. The third guy dropped his beer bottle and started running home. When they got to his house they saw him burning a book and they asked why. He said his wife was reading Ali Baba and the forty thieves and she is pregnant……not in this house ……it can not happen!
 
5       One day, a man was sitting in his office on the 19th floor of a building when a man came running in to his office and shouted, “John, your daughter, Anna just died in an accident right opposite this building”. The gentleman was in panic. Not knowing what to do, he jumped out through his office window. While coming down, when he was near the 14th floor, he remembered he does not have a daughter named Anna. When he was near the 7th floor, he remembered he was not married yet. When he was about to hit the ground, he remembered he was not John!

This is what stress does. Take things easy and relax as much as you can. It is not all about work! Work! Work! Work. 

————

TIME, YOUR MOST PRECIOUS RESOURCE
When the angel of death came to Joe Smith, to accompany him to his real home, Joe dismissively responded “I am not ready to die as I have so much left to do.  Do you mind coming back later?”  the Angel replied, sorry your time is up and we must leave now.  Joe enquired, “don’t you know who I am? I am Joe Smith, one of the richest men in the world.  The Angel nodded “I know all about you as I do everyone else; now hurry along, Let’s go.”  Joe pleaded; “if I were to give you 10% of my fortune, which is over a billion dollars, will you turn a blind eye and return a year later?” the Angel shook his head and replied, “you don’t seem to understand Joe.  It is time to go” For the next few moments, Joe tried his best to negotiate with the angel giving away more of his fortune for lesser time.  He finally succumbed and offered “if I were to give you all my fortune, which is 10 billion dollars, will you give me 5 minutes so that I can call my wife and children and tell them that I love them?  I have never told them this and it is very important to me that they know how I feel about them. I also need to seek forgiveness from 2 people that I have hurt the most.  All I ask is 5 minutes!” the Angel paused and looked at Joe curiously and asked, “how long did it take you to make your 10 billion dollars?”  Joe replied, “30 years my friend – it took me a whole 30 years – it’s a great deal in exchange for 5 minutes, take it – you will never have to work another day in your life. “  The Angel shook his head and said “I really do not understand you human beings!  If you are willing to give up 30 years of your lives’ work for 5 minutes, then why did you not make the most of every minute while you had it? How did you value your time? Where were your priorities? Why did you not say or do the things that really mattered?”  The lights went off a second later, Joe was gone.  His 10 billion dollars could not buy him the time to do what really mattered.

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/38/20100823/ten-best-joke-at-edinburgh-festival-frin-e9a852e.html

A sexy and attractive lady sees a guy and tell him -
“Will u remove something from my breast?”
Excited guy-“Wow,sure What is it”?
Lady-“Your eyes, Bastard.”

——

6 GOLDEN RULES 4 F***ing

1.F***ing once a week is good for health but its harmful if done every day.
2.F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.
3.F***ing refreshes u.
4.After F***ing dont take heavy food..opt for more liquids.
5.Try to do f***ing in bed b’coz it can save your valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.

FASTing is good for health. God bless your dirty mind…!

If swimming is a good exercise to stay FIT, why are whales FAT??
Why is the place in a stadium where people SIT, called a STAND?
Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN but nobody wants to DIE?
Shall I say that there is racial discrimination even in chess as the WHITE piece is moved FIRST?
In our country, we have FREEDOM of SPEECH, then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS?
If money doesn’t grow on TREES then why do banks have BRANCHES?
Why doesn’t GLUE stick to its BOTTLE?
Why do you still call it a BUILDING when its already BUILT?If its true that we are here to HELP others,what are others HERE for?
if you aren’t supposed to DRINK and DRIVE why do bars have PARKING lots?
We all r Living in a seriously funny world..

——

Little Boy: Dad, how was I born?  Dad: Well, your mom & I got together at “Yahoo”. We set up a date via “E-Mail” & met in “Cyber Cafe”. Your mom agreed To “Download Data” from my “PEN DRIVE”. So I put it in your mom’s USB “Port” and just when I was about to “Transfer”, we realized that non of us had “Installed” an “Antivirus or Firewall”. It was too late to hit “Cancel”. Nine months later a “Pop-up Window” appeared saying “You Have 1 new MALE

—-

Johnny asks granpa Do u stil hav sex wid grandma? Granpa Says Yes but only oral. Johnny watz oral? Grandpa I say woops u, She says woops u 2 !

—-

How do you get an 80 yr old Grandma to shout “woops”?

Get another 80 yr old grandma to shout BINGO!!

——-

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

“Tiger Woods.”

“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asks the wife.

The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.

The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”

——-

A man touring the Wild West asks a native Indian what his wife’s name is?
“Three Horses”
he replies
“What an unusual name”
says the man
“What does it mean?”
The Indian replies “Fucking Nag Nag Nag!”