“You look like one of the girls from Sex in the City…

If the sex was anal and the city was dundee”

The above should not be used as a chat up line, no matter how well its going

and oldie but goodie -

A Nun is having a bath in the Convent and there is a knock on the door
“who is it?”
“Its the blind man”
“ok - come in”

he walks in, looks at the window and says “we can fit a really nice Venetian one there….and by the way…you’ve got great tits…..”

You know those naff porn e-mails you get - this one caught my eye titled

“His eyes are remote when his dick’s down her throat….”

Sounds like the begining of one of LQ’s…..

If women are so good at multitasking how come they can’t have sex with a headache ?
http://www.ladymarmaladeparties.com/forums/smileys/#

OK, how do you get these Smileys to work?

Thanks    

After all the fun on 25 November, I couldn’t resist posting this one:

A young couple, of a very conservative Jewish persuasion are anticiptaing getting married, so they go to their rabbi for instruction.

The rabbi says: “Because it could lead to dancing!”

Cusses
lq

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Carmen,” she replied.

“That’s a nice name,” he said. “Did your mother or father name you that?”

“Neither,” she said. “I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen.”

“Why did you do that?” he asked.

“Well,” she explained, “I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What’s your name?”

“Beertits,” the man replied.

Apparently thr only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife!

———————-

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger Woods can drive a ball 400 yards!

What are the similarities of BAR & BRA?

1. Both words have the same letters

2. Both are drinking zones

3. Both have restricted timing for opening & closing

4. More importantly, both make men crazy when open

An eight man patrol where moving north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, “I was moving north along the MSR here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing idiot.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian.

He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!”

“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when the bus hit us.”

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these    
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.  So, she    
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.         
                                                 
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint
a couple of rooms in the house.  The next day, right after her husband  
leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.               
                                                 
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of    
paint.  He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the  
floor in a pool of sweat.  He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka  
and a leather jacket at the same time.  He goes over and asks her if she
if OK.  She replies yes.  He asks what she is doing and she replies that
she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she  
wanted to do it by painting the house.                       
                                                 
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.  She    
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it    
said…                                           
                                                 
You’ll love this…                                   
                                                 
                                                 
                                                 
                                                 
Yep.  I know you will…                                 
                                                 

                       
                                                 
       
“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”

A couple were in thier bed ready to make love when their four year old son walked in an asked Daddy can I ride on your back, The Dad said no, when the wife told her husband it’s OK honey he doesn’t know whats going on, so he agreed. As they got in to the throws of passion and the wife started moaning and breathing heavy the little boy said, Daddy you better hold on yesterday when she did that me and the Milkman both almost hit the floor.

A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard her husband opening the front door.

“Hurry!” she said. “Stand in the corner.”

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.”

No more was said about the statue—not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’. “Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”

not naughty in the traditional sense but pretty naughty if you’re blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ‘‘I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!’’ The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ‘‘You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!’‘