One for the ladies…

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I’d rather have the money.

HE : I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must’ve been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I’m having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don’t be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don’t you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I’ve already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven’t I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I’m a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what’s your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from £250 to £350, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Santa and Tiger…

————————————————————————————————————————
What’s the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops after 3 Ho’s…......

Laughs! I found these

————————————————————————————————————————
How Fights Start….

My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…
******************************************

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started…..
******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…
******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..
*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..’

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started…..
******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive… so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started…
******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too..’

And then the fight started….
******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…
******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. “I’ll have the steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”“

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…
******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,

“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replied, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..
******************************************

Riddle for ya

————————————————————————————————————————
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.

The answer is at the bottom for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here’s the riddle:

At exactly the same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking exactly the same thing…

What are they both thinking?

“Don’t look down! Don’t look down!”

Black testicles

————————————————————————————————————————
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, Wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
‘Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’
He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely…

’ A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back?’

Cherie Blair’s Chauffeur.
   
  Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
  Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and
the car comes to a stop.
  Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
  ‘You get out and check - you were driving. ‘
  The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
  ‘You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ’ says Cherie.
  Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face.
  ‘My god, what happened to you? ‘asks Cherie.
  The chauffeur replies: ’ When I got there, the farmer opened his
best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the
daughter made love to me. ‘
  ‘What on earth did you say? ‘asks Cherie.
  ’ I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:
’ I’m Cherie Blair’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow.’

Some real gems in there Baz - the Happy one and Test Results ones are crackers…...

as this is the joke forum

desire parties

sure linzi will appreciate that one

Bloke says to his mate, I’ve been taking steroids, and I’ve grown an extra cock.
“Anabolic?” asks his mate.
“No just a cock”

bigguy - 11 January 2010 12:26 AM

as this is the joke forum

desire parties

sure linzi will appreciate that one

Hi BG

I would normally not allow the above and you know our thoughts on using the forum for such things   .......but, its funny

xx

lol ^

In ancient times the great Norse gods were engaged in a protracted orgy. It had gone on for several days.

Finally, all were completely sated.

The first to rouse from his slumber was the Great Norse God Thor. He stood, reached down, picked up his wrap and placed it around his waist.

He looked around the Great Hall, noticing and remembering all the beautiful women with whom he had had occasion to copulate. He was very pleased.

He took several deep breaths and realized he was rejuvenated.

Looking about the Great Hall, he noticed movement back against the back wall. Squinting his eyes for sharper focus, he saw a young lady struggling to gain her feet. She was supporting herself on one of the great columns.

She was beautiful. It had been her first orgy and she had had a really great time.

Thor realized that he had not had this particular beauty over the past several days. She was up. He was up, so to speak. Why not?

“Hello!”, he bellowed. “I’m Thor!”

“You’re thor?”, she said. “Why, I’m tho thor, I can hardly pith!”

gives us some added appreciation for the ladies we enjoy here

  Excellent trysomemore! That will make me chuckle all day!

That TSM is so true its scary!